Who am I?

I really can’t work out what kind of expectant mother I am trying to be. I’m certainly not trying to be myself – how utterly boring.

Plus, as I now stand, I’m simply not good enough to be satisfied with being ‘me’.

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There are so many exciting and luscious categories for expectant mother’s to fall into that it seems your own essence as a human being is just that much more validated when you are pigeon holed.

You know, ‘I understand my boundaries and who I am so much better now that I know I  belong to the ‘fitspo’ collection of mothers’, or perhaps I’ll find myself fitting into the ‘working mother’ groups – being able to talk about how hard it is being pregnant and still having to work a stressful job.

These people get me, you think. They understand me, these are my kind of people.

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But, if you are like me and don’t happen to fit into any of those groups – then who the fuck are you supposed to be? What is your identity? You can’t just be an ‘expectant mother’ who is finding her feet on the way – society doesn’t really like that – Instagram sure as fuck hates it – you need to figure out what hashtag suits you best or you’re just gonna fall right off the pram.

I feel lost. Some people call it the ‘baby blues’ and maybe that’s true, maybe I am down in the dumps and my hormones are going crazy. But the crux of the distress isn’t so much a kind of moody sadness, but rather an inability to get comfortable in my own skin primarily because I don’t even understand myself.

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I don’t feel pregnant – isn’t that strange? I don’t feel any kind of connection to my unborn child which, frankly, makes me feel like some kind of monster.

I told my OBGYN this and he said it’s ‘completely normal’: “I’d worry more if you came in here and said you were feeling fantastic during your pregnancy”.

“But,” I asked, “what about all those celebrities that say they have a expectant mother glow and that they feel really connected to their baby already?”

“They’re lying,” he said. “It’s good publicity”.

I hope so.