I received some hate mail over the weekend.
It’s not really that unusual, journalists get A LOT of hate mail. Most of it hilarious,while some of it is truly hurtful.
Now, perhaps it is because I am nine months pregnant and sick of all this shit (by ‘this shit’ I am referring to anything that is not directly related to my pregnancy) but I got pretty damn irked by one such piece of mail.
That said, I should’ve known the terror that lay before me based on the first sentence which was written in that classic MS Word Style of ‘tOGGLE cASE’.
If this piece of mail were a typeface it would be Comic Sans.
It read like a mishmash of ill fitting words and zero grammar – sort of like a confused stream of consciousness – making me think, for a moment, that perhaps the writer had taken inspiration from a some earlier, shittier works of Joyce.
Then I realised the writer of the message wouldn’t know who Joyce was, and I put their slightly below average grade two language skills down to the fact that they were, without a doubt, incredibly stupid.
Still, I persisted.
Apart from occasional abhorrent nuggets such as, “Your grandmother would be turning in her grave”- which made me pause for a moment to consider if perhaps my hateful admirer was in fact some mythical soothsayer who could look beyond the grave (spoiler: they’re not) – the entire message was simply one long (too long, get to the point) piece dying for a good sub.
I wanted to get angry about the hate and the vitriol, truly I did. But then I read this sentence… and I… I just couldn’t.
“Your going to loose everything”
Grimace. Go on, I did. Let that feeling of pity wash over you.
How can anyone be angry at someone who, in their attempt to hurt through words, goes and makes such an asinine error?
Then there’s the ‘loose’ part.
I’m not too sure how that is supposed to work – I mean, how tight was everything to begin with? And what did they mean by everything? It’s a tad too subjective, a tad too ephemeral. I mean, everything? Was it meant literally or figuratively? If literally, it makes no sense. If figuratively, well, it also makes no sense.
Then again perhaps I am the one missing something here. Perhaps these are thoughts and threats so lofty and so intellectually superior that upon first reading they seem totally incomprehensible. It is only after several years of study that their true, breathtaking meaning begins to make itself known.
Then again I doubt it.
That angered me more than anything else. How could you feel comfortable sending an abusive message that is so poorly written? I wanted to write back having corrected all the errors with a message: “Come on, mate. You can do better than that”. But perhaps they couldn’t. If you are going to spew vitriol at least do it correctly, do it with a little more meaning, at least give your hate a little more of your attention. God knows you’re not spending it on anything worth while.
A misspelt and grammatically incorrect piece of hate mail is akin to loading your gun with gummy bears – at least use your weapon of choice correctly.